Virgins Make The Best Valentines
That’s an empirical thought - it can be proven according to studies. It comes from Patrick Fagan. Here’s the article. Here’s the detail:
…women 30 or older those who were monogamous (only one sexual partner in a lifetime) were by far most likely to be still in a stable relationship (80 percent). Sleeping with just one extra partner dropped that probability to 54 percent. Two extra partners brought it down to 44 percent.
They give the study’s name in the article. This graf hit me between the eyes:
…America needs a real Valentine tradition precisely because the messages we give our teenagers pushes more and more young men and women to reject each other rather than to belong to each other. The vast majority of teenage young men putting on condoms and teenage young women taking the pill has no intention of marrying those whom they bed. They join in the embrace meant to last forever, knowing all the while that they will likely walk away from each other. Thus they reject — and get used to being rejected — in their intimate lives, and in the process build not a culture of belonging and romance but one of rejection and suffering. They pay a price bigger than most suspect.
Now I’m about to say something, and I might erase this post later, but it will be up until I pull it: I was a virgin when I got married. I’m proud of that, not ashamed. It feels weird to share that, though, in an age when our online lives can be googled and dredged through places like the Wayback Machine. You just saw the two Edwards bloggers get hammered for stuff they wrote online in the past. I don’t know. Like I said, I’m so very grateful for the choices I made as a young man. It was painful, very painful, especially when my Christian peers communicated that they thought I was weird because I was a virgin - yes, even my own Christian peers. They were the greatest disappointment of all. There was a lot of loneliness I experienced because of that choice. But I am glad I did. I share this because I figure there are people out there experiencing the rejection and loneliness that accompanies any choice for virtue (whether chastity or honesty, etc.) and I just hope you feel encouraged. You are doing the right thing, AND you are making the world a better place. Hang in there.
posted Feb 14, 2007, 12:52pm by Rodolpho Carrasco
My wife and I were as well. It was hard, and I am thankful.
I lament the diminishing number who hold this virtue, and the lack of support for them.
Perhaps this is unnecessary, but I think it important to say one thing about this article. The conclusions it draws is right on, but remember, they are descriptive not presriptive. By that, I mean that it describes a possible outcome for those who have, shall we say, a “sexual history.” But one is not condemned to it. It is one of a million reasons why I am sooooo very grateful for my heavenly Father–with him, all things become new (get my drift?), he restores what it taken away (get it again?) and we get second chances. This does not mean that we escape consequences of those early decisions we make (and I think this is what the article implies). But we are not locked into doom because of them. His ability to redeem is rather extensive.
Still the point is valid. I appreciated the fact that I learned bleach was destructive stuff before I tried it out on my good clothes…and that it can be very useful stuff used in the right way too.
(nick’s bumbling attempt at metaphysics.)
I hate articles like these and refuse to read anything on sex coming out of the evangelical sub-culture/conservative movement on sexuality for the following reasons:
1. There is WAY too much emphasis on virginity - especially for women - instead of on healthy sexuality. My sexuality is a part of me, not something I hand over to someone else. You do not lose your virginity like you lose your car keys. You have sex - which may be a good decision or a bad decision - but it’s not like you cut off a part of your body and give it to someone else.
2. Might I point out that for a number of people, both men and women, their first sexual experiences were not voluntary and were not a choice? And it’s not an insignificant number - 1 in 4 women, 1 in 6 men. I can name, off the top of my head, 20 women whose first sexual experience was rape. What are we supposed to do with articles like this, and with most of the stuff on sex that comes out of conservative Christian circles? The absolute last thing I need to hear is dire predictions for my future and the notion that I am somehow spoiled because I’m not a virgin.
3. I have a lot of friends whose parents are still married - but in REALLY bad marriages that have been bad for years and years. I don’t know that living in the same house and hating each other for several decades is better for kids or shows more respect for the institution of marriage than divorce does. (And many of these marriages involve church-going Christians.)
It’s not that I’m a big fan of everybody having multiple sexual partners, and I salute the choice of anyone who decides to wait until marriage to have sex, but maybe it would be more productive to frame discussions of sexuality in terms of treating ourselves and each other as people created in the image of God, of being emotionally, spiritually, physically and sexually healthy, and creating safe spaces where we can bring our relationships and sexuality into the light and find healing.
Sorry this is so long - this stuff strikes a rather significant nerve with me.
Good points Christy!
While I seriously doubt this topic was posted as some sort of self-rightous commentary, you’re exactly right about the sexual dialogue in wider evangelical culture. It’s very stale, and most often, dishonoring to those who have experienced sexual abuse.
Furthermore, for those who have willingly walked in sexual sin, the present bent of dialogue is far from helpful. I like reading Dawn Eden’s blog. I can get behind someone who says: “Not all of us can be virgins. For some of us, that train has already left the station. But we all can be chaste.” She and Lauren Winner are just a couple of new voices who are bringing a more holistic perspective to the evangelical dialogue on sexual ethics.
As for marriage, I agree, if it doesn’t parrallel the Father’s love, how in the world is that honoring to Him? It’s just hollow deception.
I’m blessed to go to a church that has a “sexual wholeness ministry” which is extremely needed and unfortunately rare.
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Good for you, Rudy. To continue the awkward sharing, Lisa and I were virgins as well when we married. So, you were not alone. I appreciate you sharing that.